How do people know what or who they want to be? Do they woke up some morning and decided “I want to be a doctor “ and just pursue their dream? Or did their parents told them what to do and which job suits them the most.
Filling out the “Ambition” part in a form is difficult for me. I always wrote that I want to be a teacher/doctor. Only once I wrote I wanted to be a writer, that was when I was in Standard 4. I tried writing, but my essay always turns out serabut and I dismissed the idea of being a writer and kept on with the standard : teacher/doctor.
Now, I still don’t know what I want to be or to be exact, what kind of job that I wanted to do. Why do I even study the course I took? Never in my school years had I dreamed to be engineer. I always wanted to be doctor back then. When I attended the interview for JPA scholarship, they asked me, which course would I like to take? And I said, quite confidently, “Medic. I want to be a doctor.” And they said, “But your Physics result does not qualify you to become one. Engineering can?”
Why put someone who dislikes and got a bad result for Physics in an engineering course?
I couldn’t figure that one out until now. But I am thankful for the opportunity that they gave me. I really gave my best in the last term, and I regret why didn’t I give my best the whole time? I underestimated myself a lot; thinking that I am not good at something (still does).
5 years overseas and I grew. 5 months at home and I am back at square one or the second, I don’t know. Because I think I am not the same person that I was back then. The other one is in charge of herself, know what she wants to do and strive for it, or at least try to be in charge. Who I am now is someone who doesn’t know what I want, couldn’t get anywhere without some help and is becoming crazier. I made excuses to justify whatever decisions that I made. I know dad is getting worried with me (maybe he saw me the way I saw myself, someone without an ambition) and been advising me to apply here, or be this and that. I don’t know what I want, but I do know what I don’t want. Yes, I’ll start from there, knowing what I don’t want to finally know what I want. Make sense?
Hantam sajalah mata kelabu! (Seniwati Saadiah in Antara Dua Darjat answer when asked white or black)
3 comments:
I guess I can say that we are quite in the same boat!!! I'm finishing my masters soon and I'm starting to think that I am not so into THIS! Hahaha... I don't know if it's a phase we are going through.. Well, let's see where this boat take us, ya. Hopefully we land on a nice place ya..
Selamat Hari Raya! Sorry balik hari tu x sempat singgah umah..
Selamat Hari raya.. Abeh conclusion nyer ko still melepak kt umah ker skang? Bestnyer...
arfah: nevermind. thanks ya ari tu. sorry it was a short one.
azza: hmm.aku harap tu bukan conclusionnya. Skang ni keje aku mengupgrade apa2 yang boleh diupgrade kat umah. still looking for a job jugak.
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